Es Kumt Mir

So, it's been snowing.

Yes, many of us have been locked in our homes, unable to see out of our basement windows.

I think that the reaction of people during snow days tells a lot of their persona.

They can be broken down into these categories:

1) Yes! A day off! Can't wait to snuggle up with a hot cocoa. And even though the gym is closed, I'll still get my exercise shoveling snow.

2) These township people are idiots! How come they can't get to my street even once?!? I'm calling the DPW right now.

3) I have to spend THREE WHOLE DAYS with my kids? I'm not paying tuition!

4) I really don't like the cold, but at least I still have heating and a home. Those poor people stuck on highways and various forms of public transportation!

5) I should have gone shopping to stock up. I should have bought boots. I should have gone to my mother. I should have gone to Florida.

I think that this year, the majority fell onto option 2. People have a feeling of "Es Kumt Mir" - everything is coming to me. Because I exist, people must do for me. So what if they're celebrating a holiday? This is their JOB. So what if the snowfall came down fast and furious? They should have begun plowing earlier. I deserve better. I can't function when things don't run exactly my way.

These people have got to learn fast, or when faced with a REAL test, they will fall down, down, down...

(And yes, maybe things could have been done better. But sounding like fools on a public website is absolutely uncalled for, aside from a Chilul Hashem.)

Give It Another Try

So we're switching doctors.
Again.
The last one was just not on top of things. Never called us to make appointments; didn't check up with us after blood tests. The new one is supposed to be much warmer. (Well, she is a woman...)
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. And hope that she's the right messenger.
But I guess what I'm most scared of is to go through a procedure that was done by the other doctor. At that time, I couldn't move for about an hour after this seemingly simple procedure. I was in massive pain, doubled over, crying my heart out. The doctor said he never saw such a bad reaction to this procedure. And now, it'll have to be done again.
I'm terrified. I have a very low pain tolerance. The rest of the stuff I do is bad enough, but this... I think the pain was akin to childbirth. (that's what I was told when I described my reaction to a professional in the field)
Ouch. Help me, please?!?

One in a Million

My grandmother, a"h, used to tell me that I am one in a million. She meant it in the positive manner, obviously. She cherished me, her beloved granddaughter, and made sure to let me know it at every opportunity.

This past Shabbos, I thought of my grandmother. I needed her desperately. Needed her to notice me, and to make me feel as if I was not only one among millions.

How else am I supposed to feel at a neighborhood kiddush, surrounded by little girls and mothers with strollers, all who barely manage to give a half smile or nod in my direction?

Like one in a million. That's me.

I know of these...

Of bruised elbows and scraped knees
Of climbing furniture and trees
Of teaching them thank you and please
I don't know very much of these

Of waking up to feed a child
Of fevers high or quite mild
Of spit upon laundry piled
I don't have what to get me riled

Of little Legos scattered round
Of Shabbos naps with many sounds
Of nurses weighing newborn's pounds
I don't see what they have found

But of bruised hearts and painful shots
Of climbing walls to see top docs
Of asking please to break each lock
These I know of, more often than not

Of waking up in early morn
Of crying when each niece is born
Of maternity clothing never worn
These I have to keep me forlorn

Of clean carpets I could sell
Of Shabbos naps in dank hotels
Of pounds I've gained & nurses of hell
These I see so very well

Picture Perfect

Beautiful couple on their wedding day
Bride tilts her head in the usual way
Hold it right there; smile just right
We must get it now, for you've only one night

Beautiful couple on their wedding day
Holding hands behind them, out of the way
Look at the camera now; lean in a tad
Smile real nice now so I won't get mad

Beautiful couple on your wedding day
Don't listen to what the photographers say
Photos are lovely, but you've begun your life
Look at him, see your husband
Look at her, see your wife

It's not through just one night that you'll have to grin
Though it might be painful to draw from within
When you fake a smile, make it real in effect
Look, beautiful couple, you're picture perfect.

The Call

She calls me on my cellphone.
Timid voice.
Not quite all grown yet.

I'm pregnant
she says.
You probably realized that
from the way I've been acting.

Sure did
I say.
Bishaah Tovah.

I feel like such a baby!
she exclaims.

You are
I reply.
My baby sister.

In The Face

Life just hits you in the face sometimes, you know?
You wake up in the morning, and WHAM!
G-d just had a message, waiting right there for you.
Only you don't want to hear it.
So you huddle under your covers, trying to drown out the sound of the thunder.
Close your eyes real tight, so as not to see the lightning.
But you can never hide completely.
The sound penetrates your covers.
The light flashes through your eyelids.
And you're left, gasping for breath, trying not to cry.
But cry you do.
You cry for what could have been,
and for what could be.
And you cry for what remains of what was once your proud, beautiful face.

Aleh Katan Sheli

I'm really feeling this song right now.

This ?!@$#&%^(+). Life of Mine

? - I'm feeling quite confused. Why me? Why ME?

! - This is crazy!

@ - @ least I have this blog to keep me going...

$ - Needa find some. Fast.

# - I sometimes feel like I'm just a number to all these docs. When will my turn come?

& - There's always more.

% - Will I be one of those whose dreams never come true?

^ - The mountain's raised on top of my head.

(+) - I feel like I'm between stages right now, just waiting for something positive.

. - needs no explanation.

It's Not The Same

Don't tell me that you know what it feels like because you had a five year space between your fourth and fifth.

Don't tell me that it's even harder for you because you know what having a child really feels like.

Just don't compare the two of us.

We're not the same.

Never were.

Overheard in the Teachers' Room

You think she's pregnant?

I don't know... she looks like she might be.

Oh, I would be so, so thrilled for her. She's waited so long.

Yeah, but it's partly her fault. I mean, she could really lose some weight. I heard it's much more difficult to have kids if you're overweight.

You shouldn't be so judgemental. Maybe it's genetic.

Nah, she eats to much for it to be genetic.



(and by the way, my loyal readers, I am not pregnant, as far as I know)

Sugar & Spice (and everything nice)

Giant lollipops grow higher still
I long to pick each stem at will
And in this garden in my mind
I choose to lick each one in kind

Alas, my dream is not to be
For sugar is forbidden to me

At Chinese restaurants so fine
There is a dish that's quite divine
Batter dipped with sesame
I cannot help myself, you see

Alas, my dish is not to be
For sugar is forbidden to me

On Yom Tov, my mom does roast
A piece of meat, and dare I boast
This brisket's one that's sweet and tender
All the good stuff I remember

Alas, my meat is not to be
For sugar is forbidden to me

But spices, yes they take the cake (literally)
Oregano and pepper flake
Parsley, dill, basil, mint
Chives and garlic, salt (a hint)

I sprinkle these on liberally
'Cept on dessert, because fruit is "free"

But still, I dream of white flour
While whole wheat muffins I devour

Scared

I saw them over Chol Hamoed. They looked like the perfect couple; her wig styled just right, his shirt neatly tucked in. They smiled and laughed and smoothed the curly hair of their two year old son. He looks just like a combination of the two of them.

He's adopted.

She waved at me, and I gave a half wave back and semi-smiled. She seemed like she had something to say, but I quickly walked away.

I'm scared to talk to her. Scared I'll find out how happy she is. Scared I'll find out how much she loves her little boy.

I'm too scared that I'll be like her one day.

The "Here Comes Yom Tov" Blues

I used to love the holiday of Succos
'Twas a great time for me and my fam
But now it's getting quite claustrophobic
And I don't want to be where I am

Cause every bone in my body is shakin'
And I'm breakin out in cold, cold sweat
And my mind, my brain, my head - they are all achin'
And we're not around the table just yet

I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
A Jewish woman, at some point, is due
But me and my hubby, we'll just have to watch
While our nephews down all of the scotch
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
Oh, yeah!
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues

I'll have to clear all the plates from the table
While my sister is diaperin' her kid
And my husband will be sitting in the shteeble
While my brother, on psicha, does bid

And my aunts and uncles all will be a-whisperin'
And wishing us a simchadike year
And the sibs will argue over which zoo to go to
While we're wondering if anyone cares

I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
A Jewish woman, at some point, is due
But me and my hubby, we'll just have to wait
As my neice devours all of my plate
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
Oh, yeah!
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues

Now the purpose of this song is not to question
Why this nisayon was given to me
The reward will be beyond my comprehension
And I'm waiting for Hashem to set me free
All I'm asking is for some consideration
From my family and friends all around
If I'm a bit too quick to show frustration
Perhaps this song will help them understand

I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
A Jewish woman, at some point, is due
But me and my hubby try to ignore all that's said
While all the kids dance on top of our heads
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues
Oh, yeah!
I've got the "Here comes Yom Tov" blues

Seven Days

Seven days
between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.
Seven days
to cleanse our souls
our thoughts
and our emotions
and cleave to
the One Above.

Reminds me of another
seven days.

On My Own

This year,
I'd like to go to a shul
where no one knows me.

I'd like to sit in a corner
and cry my heart out
without feeling the pitying eyes
of my neighbors and friends.

I'd like to be alone
just me and my Father
so that I can really, truly
talk to Him.

I'd like to beg Him to see me
and remember me.

And if not for me,
than for my wonderful, supportive
caring husband
who deserves a child
ever so much more than I do.

But I can't.
I'll be davening in a shul
where I can't be
myself.

And who knows?
Maybe that woman
crying into her machzor
in YOUR shul
is me.

So leave me be.

New

I remember when I first got married.
Everything was new.
New apartment.
New roommate.
New pots.
New dishes.
New knives. (ouch!)
Even new garbage pails.

Every feeling was new.
New love.
New arguments.
New understandings.

The halachos were new.
The experiences were new.

Every day was a new day.

All we were waiting for was a
New baby.

But now, it is just the same old,
Same old.

Until there comes a
New year.

Call-tired

A (former) student calls.
Hi Mrs. Soul!
I haven't been in touch in a loooong while,
and just wanted to catch up.

Hey, Lost Soul!
So good to hear from you!
What's been going on on in your life?

So she begins to tell me the tale
of boyfriends lost and gained
of college woes
of family feuds.
She asks my advice
and I answer.

Then,
So, Mrs. Soul, how are YOU?

Now she wants to be friends.
Not mentor/mentee
Not teacher/student
FRIENDS.

Her life is so different from mine.
Her trials and tribulations are
a world apart.

So I answer
Been busy. At work, at home...
Busy and really tired.
You know.

She pauses.
Uuummm.... Yeah I know.

Pause again.
So, when are you due?

Due?
I said I'm tired.
Doesn't mean I'm expecting.

Sorry,
she says.
quite embarrassed
and hangs up the phone rather quickly.

I wonder how long it will take for her to call again.

Look Into My Eyes

Look into my eyes
I say
See the tears I'm crying.

Look into my eyes
I say
Hear the words I'm saying.

Look into my eyes
I say
Taste the bitterness I'm living.

Look into my eyes
I say
Sniff the nose I'm wiping.

Look into my eyes
I say
Touch the heart I'm breaking.

Look into my eyes
I say
And don't you DARE look down.

There's nothing doing down there.
Nothing at all.

Commute

Black.
Everything's dark.
But I've got to drag
myself
out of bed.
So early.
Too early.

Slow.
Everything's stopped.
All I see are the
brake lights
of the cars in front of me.
Snail's pace.
Inching forward.

Hi everybody.
We nod to each other
then pretend not to notice.
The nurse calls us in.
Then we hurry out.

And outside it's light.
Too bright.

The Royal (Two Lined) Scepter

I sit
and wait
for His hand
to stretch out
holding that wondrous
stick
with miracle of miracles!
two lines
promising me
the kingdom of my
dreams.

Alas!
I am still waiting
for that royal
scepter
to gain entry
into a world
I can only dream of.

So many
lines
have I seen.
sticks.
one-lined scepters.

Yet the second
eludes me.
Does not deign
to grace me
with its royal tap.

Are You a Mommy?

Are you a Mommy?
she asks sweetly
looking up into my eyes.

No, darling.
Not yet.

Then why are you wearing a sheitel?
she questions.

Because I'm married.

But if you're married,
then you're a Mommy.
She's confused.

I'm married, but I don't have any kinderlach yet.

But you have a Tatty? [husband]
she posits.

Yes.

So where's your baby?
Even more confused now.

When Hashem wants to, He'll give me one just as sweet as you.

I'm gonna daven that you should have a baby!
she proclaims.

Sweetheart, that's the best thing.

I love you!
She hugs me.

I love you too.

My Vacation

You're so lucky
they say.

You're able to save now
for later.

You don't have to buy
diapers
formula
baby food
and all other sundries.

Why don't you go on vacation?

You can afford it.

And here I am.
Just hung up the phone
after speaking to my friend.

Her baby
(born after six years of marriage)
not yet half a year.

And she can barely hold back the tears.
She's out of a job.
Her husband is, too.
Her savings
wiped out
after countless IVF treatments.

She's moving in with her in-laws next week.
Can't afford the rent.

And so I answer you
THAT'S my vacation.

Bittersweet

Smooth and creamy
chocolate
melting on my tongue
trickling down
almost
i can almost
taste it
sweet and bitter
bitter
bitter moments
yet so sweet
as i hold my
new nephew
so close
almost like
he's mine
but i've got to
hand him over
NO!
don't hurt my
baby
dear, sweet
bitter moment
as i hand him
back
to his
mother.

Baby Season

It's that time of year again.
You know, when the heat creeps up
and the babies creep out.
And you feel like you're the only one
to stay indoors
because there's no one to take to the park.
So you call up your sister
and (sounding like a really special person)
you offer to take her kids out.
To the park.
To the store.
For ice cream.
Anywhere but your basement apartment.
Of course (being pregnant and perspiring)
she agrees.
And off to the store you go
with your nieces and nephews
to purchase a gift for your sister-in-law's
new baby.
Only it doesn't make you feel better.
You cuddle them close
wipe their noses
give them lollipops
and deliver them back where they came from.
Home.
While you go home
to your beautiful apartment
and wait for the call.
Mazal tov!
Your (other) sister had a baby.

Like a Whisper

Like a whisper
riding waves
out in the deep ocean;
So is my heart
smooth and calm
yet dangerously deep.

Like a roar
riding waves
crashing against cliffs;
So is my heart
harsh and furious
yet frustrated at its limits.

Like a song
riding waves
gliding alongside ships;
So is my heart
soft and rushing
yet sometimes overpowering.

Like a bird
riding waves
rolling towards the shore;
So is my heart
beautiful and wondrous
yet above it all.

Happy Birthday

Another one has passed.
Another year.
Another birthday.

I wish they wouldn't call it so.
Birth day.
Am I supposed to give birth on this day?
Am I supposed to be happy?
Feel free?

My birthday is a reminder of things I long to forget.
Of endless hours
that become days
that become weeks
that become months.

And all of a sudden, I am reminded.
Reminded of birth.
And renewal.
Reminded of my aging body
that cries for the painful throes
of its birthday.

What It Feels Like

Is this what it feels like?

Coming home to a clean house.
No scribbles.
No messes.
No soggy Cheerios mashed into the carpet.

Is this what it feels like?

Saying Shema to myself.
No kisses.
No stories.
No tucking the bedcovers tight.

Is this what it feels like?

Waking up in the morning rested.
No crying.
No feeding.
No rushed goodbyes or mismatched socks.

Yeah, I have it good.
All this free time
To myself.

And you ask yourself
Is this what it feels like?

Scratch & Sniff

Cough.
COUGH.
ouch.
Sniff.

Colds are just not fun.
Especially when they're combined with a really sore throat.

Cough, cough.

I think I'll go to bed now.

Bye!

Corners

Squirreled away
behind dust
and boxes
and all things unnecessary

Packed away
in cases
within cases
that will take time to uncover

Wrapped within
Sheafs of old newsprint
and used dryer sheets
(and all things useless)

My smile lies within
the corners of
my mind.

Cocoon

I'm going to get married
I'll be a lovely bride
My veil trailing me in white
My chosson by my side.

I'm going to have children
I plan for five or six
And maybe one trailing behind
Or twins thrown in for kicks.

I'm going to be a mother
You'll see, I'll be one soon
For now, I'm just a caterpillar
Trapped in her cocoon.

And all my friends are butterflies
Fluttering about
Brightly showing off their spots
While I'm starting to doubt

Everything.

Through the Glass

I see you
through the glass.
Ruddy cheeks.
Wrinkled skin.

I hear your
muffled cry
through the glass.
Calling me.
Begging for me.

I feel you
through the glass.
Soft cheeks.
Smooth skin.

I call for you
through the glass.

You don't answer.

My nose is pressed closer.
A fog forms.
Fogging the image
I have
of you.
Blurring my mind.

You exist only
through the glass.