Monday, September 6, 2010

On My Own

This year,
I'd like to go to a shul
where no one knows me.

I'd like to sit in a corner
and cry my heart out
without feeling the pitying eyes
of my neighbors and friends.

I'd like to be alone
just me and my Father
so that I can really, truly
talk to Him.

I'd like to beg Him to see me
and remember me.

And if not for me,
than for my wonderful, supportive
caring husband
who deserves a child
ever so much more than I do.

But I can't.
I'll be davening in a shul
where I can't be
myself.

And who knows?
Maybe that woman
crying into her machzor
in YOUR shul
is me.

So leave me be.

8 comments:

Sun inside Rain said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean...

Well...maybe not exactly because every situation is different, but the main point of my last post was basically condensed in this short poem.

May Hashem be mekabel all your tefillos inside your heart, and that you verbalize, b'ahava u'viratzon.

Desperate Faith said...

I so agree with you. I wish I didn't have to be embarrassed to bury my head in my siddur and cry with deep sobs. She could be me, too.

Mystery Woman said...

She could be any of us. For some of us, the pain is more obvious. But there are very few of us who don't carry a heavy burden deep inside.

Soul Comfort said...

SIR, I know that you know. :-) And amen, same to you.

Desperate, there it is again, the embarrassment. Why do we all feel that it's embarrassing to cry?

Mystery, I know. pain is everywhere, in every person. I wish life didn't have to be so hard... but at least it helps us grow to become better people.

Rachelli Dreyfuss said...

If you are able to cry for yourself, for your pain, for your hardship... cry for Klal Yisroel... your tears will have so much power...

I wish I knew what to say... Hashem should give you only brachos this year...

Devorah said...

I can totally feel with you.

I also have that question: what is wrong with crying and why is it something to be embarrassed of? It should not be that way! People should not be staring, they should focus on their own tefillos-everyone has reasons to cry on Rosh Hashana!! There is so much to daven for and so much pain in the world. So when you cry, don't let yourself care about what others think...because Hashem treasures every tear!

May the tears you cry and the tefillos you daven pierce the heavens and may Hashem wipe the tears off our cheeks!

MerryMoroseandMiredMusings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Devorah, there's crying and there's crying. There's that longing inside of you to just beg and plead, and cry and cry until you're spent....and that's not something you can do in public.
Then there's the very controlled crying that most people do when davening on R'H. But sometimes your emotions want more than that...